If You Give a Jounin Ramen
by fruityrowing
Summary: Parody of children's book 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie'. What would happen if Iruka offered to give Kakashi some ramen?


**If You Give a Jounin Ramen**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto or If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. No profit is being made from this endeavor.

**Author's Note**: The idea came to me while I was multi-tasking by looking up grammar worksheets for kids I tutor and watching Shippuden episodes. Somehow the search lead me to see the book and it kinda clicked together in my mind.

It is a parody of the children's book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I'm sure the author of the children's book never imagined her story would be used in this way. I mean no offense with this story, but the pwp-bunnies wouldn't leave me alone unless I wrote it. I should actually be 1. Studying 2. Getting material ready for the kids I tutor 3. Working on my chapter story or 4. Sleeping. But clearly I am doing none of the above. Sadness...

I would like to note (though I already have the disclaimer) no infringement was intended with the writing of the story. I mean absolutely no disrespect and hope to convey that it is because I am a huge fan of not only the If You Give A... series but also of Naruto that it my love for both merged to create this story.

. . . .KxI.

If you give a Jounin ramen, he's going to ask for some sake to go with the ramen.  
He'll make himself comfortable in the main room, sitting himself at the low-lying dinner table. He'll take out that insufferable book and start reading until the food is ready.

Once the food is set in front of him, he'll say 'itadakimasu' to be polite and somehow eat all of the food without ever revealing the lower half of his face.

When he's done eating, he'll probably ask for a freshly polished kunai to look at (because he's not some girl who needs to look into a mirror or something- no a kunai would suffice thank you very much!), to make sure the sake hasn't turned his face red. You'll give him a skeptical look (given that it wouldn't matter whether or not his face was red; he's ALWAYS wearing a mask), but you'd relent and pull out a kunai from your pouch and pass it over to him anyways.

He'll excuse himself to your bathroom in order to keep his face a secret (not like you wanted to see it or were curious if it is as handsome as you've always dreamt it to be). Which, by the way, would defeat the purpose of you giving him the kunai in the first place, but you won't comment on it.

Once inside the bathroom, he'll use the kunai you had given him (because kami forbid anyone think he's vain for looking in the mirror) to look at his reflection. When he looks into the kunai, he might notice his crazy shock of silver hair needs a trim. So he will probably ask for shuriken, reassuring you that's how he always trims his hair- by adding chakra to the shuriken and making it spin.

When he's finished giving himself a trim, he'll notice the mess that he's made and try to blow the tiny hairs away by using a new jutsu he had recently learned in the Hidden Sand Village. He might get carried away and blow everything in the house!

You'll feel like you're about to explode, but he'll give you that sheepish smile with the half moon eye and his one hand behind his head and say "Maa sensei, sorry. I'll put everything back to the way it was." You give in to his half-assed apology, knowing full well you were never good at staying mad at the insane copy-nin anyway (especially when he's making that face).

He'll make a shadow clone and together, the three of you, will right the small apartment back to its original, non-cluttered state.

When he's done, his shadow clone will disperse and then he'll claim he has used too much chakra for the day and probably will ask to take a nap. You will have to bring out the guest futon for him with a blanket and a pillow. He'll crawl in, make himself comfortable, and fluff the pillow a few times.

He'll probably ask you to read him a story. So, against your better judgement- wanting nothing more than to get him to stop his incessant whining, you'll read him a chapter from one of his ridiculously obscene Icha Icha Series.

Once you start reading, he'll ask to see the fold-out pictures associated with the more racy scenes. When he looks at the pictures, he'll get so excited he'll ask you to recreate some of the scenes with him.

You'll attempt to whack him over the head with the pillow, but his fast reflexes will catch you off guard and he'll somehow maneuver himself on top of you- trapping you to the futon, with no foreseeable way of escape.

One of his hands will pin both of your hands above your head to keep your hands from being able to move (making sure you can't move your fingers to form a jutsu), while his other hand will move toward his own face to lower the mask on his face.

You'll take a deep breath and gulp it down nervously as you close your eyes- not out of politeness, but because you know damn well you'll let him do anything to you once you see his full face.

You'll feel his face close to yours- to which you'll just tighten your eyes 'll feel his warm breath on your ears and a brush of lips as he whispers into your ear. He'll ask for a small kiss but all you'll be able to do is shutter at the eroticity of his voice.

Without your full consent (because really, you can't even think- let alone respond to his request!) he'll brush his lips against yours until he steadily adds more pressure. And once his lips have touched yours, his tongue will ask for permission to enter your mouth and deepen the kiss. Your body will revolt against your brain and your mouth will open of its own accord. You'll give into the sweet taste of him as you get drunk on the pleasures of making out with the crazy Jounin.

Your eyes will open in surprise at the first touch of his hands on your skin (having somehow pushed your shirt up). His free hand will begin to explore your body- sending delicious chills and tingles up and down your frame. Your body will quickly heat up as you feel both of yours and his building excitements lightly graze against each other. You'll stifle your moan with the dwindling amount of sanity you have left, but his mouth will detach from yours, so as to travel up back to your ear. He'll probably ask to hear your voice (or something along those lines), in that deep sexy voice of his, which in turn would make you moan aloud.

His free hand would gently cup your bulge as his hot tongue traces the outline of your ear. His mouth will travel down your neck placing tiny kisses here and there to keep your mind from being able to think. He'll probably start licking and biting your collar bone, making sure to leave a mark.

His hand will make its way into your pants and take grasp of your hardened manhood. His hand will stroke it gently, up and down, carefully spreading the pre-ejaculate from the tip, down the shaft. He'll gently cup your sack in his palms and tug it ever so slightly, sending another bout of chills up and down your spine. Your hips will lift of their own accord and he'll use that as opportunity to pull your pants down around your thighs.

You'll see your erection in his pale hands- the contrast in skin color somehow adding fuel to your already burning fire. He'll continue to stroke you, heightening your pleasure.

He'll abruptly stop and you'll open your eyes- taking note that you don't even remember closing them. You'll see his flushed face and try to ingrain said image into your brain- never to forget. Your eyes will travel down his lithe body- appreciating the hardened muscles that you can see. But your eyes will widen in surprise once your brain registers that his shirt is off and his pants, like yours, has been tugged down around his thighs. You'll try to figure out how he had managed to remove so much of his own clothing without you knowing, when he is all but lying on top of you.

Your mind will once more shut down as the image that the Jounin creates overwhelms your whole body. His hand had taken to stroking his own excitement- and not unlike what he had been doing earlier to you; his hand is spreading the clear fluid being emitted from the tiny slit at the tip of his erection.

Your tongue will sneak out of your mouth to wet your dry lips, as well as illustrate a kind of hunger your suddenly feel. You'll take a deep gulp of the saliva that has pooled in your mouth as you realize you can no longer delude yourself into believing you are not affected by the Jounin's behavior.

He'll take both yours and his in his hand and begin to stroke up and down as his rubs against yours. His mouth will once more attack yours as his tongue dives deep into your mouth. All you'll be able to do is focus on the pleasure and delicious taste associated with the Jounin.

You'll hear such sinful and lewd moans and groans (only to realize in hindsight that it was probably you making those embarrassing sounds) filling up the room. The squelching sounds being emitted from the Jounin's hand further adding to the pleasure and eroticity.

You'll wrap your arms around the Jounin, loving the feeling of the hard muscles flexing as he moves on top of you. You'll lose yourself to your carnal needs- finding it impossible to remember the last time you had been with anyone (let alone a man)- months? maybe even an year or two?

Your hips will begin to move against the Jounin's, revelling in the suction and friction created by the other's hand and manhood. You'll feel the build, the desperation to become undone. Both of you will move faster and faster until FINALLY you reach the peak.

You'll feel the warm liquid squirt onto your bare chest and stomach. Without looking, you already know it's going to be thick due to the lack of emission in the recent weeks (you've been far too busy with back to school activities as well as increased duties at the missions desk to have enough energy to tend to his needs).

Once you come back to your senses, your mind will begin to eyes will widen in horror as you look deeply into the mismatched eyes in front of you. You'll start to question yourself and berate yourself by thinking how could you let the situation escalate to this point or how could you allow such a thing to occur. He'll give you a devilish smile before placing a sweet kisses at the bridge of your nose- outlining your telltale scar. He'll look down at you and with a clear look of mischief, he'll say he is thirsty and ask for a cup of sake.

And chances are, if he asks for a cup of sake, he'll ask for a bowl of ramen to go with it.

. .KxI

End Note: I tried my hardest to keep my style of writing but write similar enough to the original text so that it reflects the parody of the writing and not a full out copying of the idea of the original text but not so far off that you would be unable to see the connection (if y'all understood what I just said). I made sure (or at least tried to make sure) that there was no full out copying of the original text (except the 'if you give a' part). I really hope y'all enjoyed (though I'm sure the Back to School followers are peeved that I worked on this rather than the story... sorry!)


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